I had just enrolled at Ilam School of Fine Arts and was looking for some kind of creative balance — an antidote to the relentless commercial work I had invested so much of my time and creativity in over the previous decades.
I was looking for something. Looking for myself, perhaps, or simply looking for something that mattered. During that process, much of what I thought I knew had to be broken down into smaller pieces and rebuilt. It was intense, confronting and, in the bigger picture, incredibly liberating.
My commercial work was constantly questioned. My reasons for making photographs were questioned. None of what I had done before particularly mattered in that environment. I learned an enormous amount from my lecturer Tim at the time, despite resisting much of it.
One conversation in particular changed everything.
We were discussing the relationship between photographer and subject, and the question was raised: how does it feel to be photographed? There is an inherent imbalance of power when one person holds the camera and another stands in front of it. I questioned that. At the time, I didn’t fully understand it.
That question was life-changing.
For the first time, I began to understand the relationship I have with the people I photograph, and the imbalance of power that can exist if that relationship isn’t understood or considered.
So I made my first self-portrait.
The work documented the edge of a mental health fracture and coincided with another deeply traumatic moment: the Christchurch mosque attacks. Some of these portraits were made on the day of the attacks and in the days immediately afterwards.
It was a traumatic period, an enlightening period and an extraordinarily creative one. Looking back after all these years, it was also an incredibly important period in my development as both a photographer and a person.
These photographs show the simple setup I used at home to make the work on a 4×5 camera with a cable release, alongside outtakes from the process and the final photographs as they were presented for my submission.
Tim’s influence is in all of my work since given the awareness of the power between photographer and subject.
You can see the complete Self-Portrait One in my portfolio.
